• Avvy, Stop Me If I Wrote Another Poem For You

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    ILLUSTRATION BY PERRY GIL MALLARI

    Scars of the heart from the first violence of love;
    Image of my lover: ravaged and violated—
    Murderous.

    Equally afraid for both of our lives,
    We hated ourselves but then so trusting

    Her eyes never looked at me with tears
    But I have witnessed her despair,
    Quiet bellows of agony from her gutted hopes and dreams;
    The fundamental shame of being a spectator

    The anticipation of peeking at her scarred heart—
    How beautiful. The sinister attraction.
    I loved them as I loved her: with exclamation

    Say,
    What are we together again?

    This.

    The disturbing closeness of our inadequatebodies,
    Unacceptable triviality of love and our lives

    You were like the way you run the bow
    Against the strings of your violin:
    Blue from being out of tune

    In a dream, you said, I begged for your cold blood
    And you complied without protest
    Then I watched as you murdered yourself
    The spectator of the heinous crime; an accomplice

    To the woman born on 1994 and I loved 17 years later
    Will chrysanthemums grow out of your grave?
    My futile revolt against time and distance
    Against the irreversible past and lost possibilities,
    I’ll put the pen down. This is what I deserve.

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