• The Emperor who knew too much


    The Emperor is a man of destiny though some say he should be called a special child. He ascended to the throne (it’s elective like in Malaysia) despite his lack of training because his late parents were well-loved and admired in the kingdom. He, however, never admitted this. In his own mind, he is God’s gift to the realm and that he alone could bring it to greater glory.

    He likes the title and the power of an emperor but dislikes the work. He works less than eight hours a day so he could spend more time playing computer games. He doesn’t like to work during holidays. A number of times, he’s not seen in public even during weekends. His mouthpieces refuse to divulge his whereabouts, saying this information affects imperial security.

    His subjects have been waiting for him to get married or at least sire a child like many other members of the royalty. They wonder why the Emperor, dubbed a “messiah” by his adoring subjects, remains a bachelor although he has had a number of girl friends.

    “Messiah? Baka may saya,” an irreverent subject said of the Emperor.

    The Emperor walks with a waddle.

    “He’s a lame duck,” a critic explained.

    He’s often open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like a boy who had just found a new toy. This led some to think he’s not normal. Well, that’s not so in his mind. He’s convinced that he’s the most intelligent person in the kingdom. He boasts that he did exceptionally well in a school for the country’s elite where he got straight “C” in his subjects.

    “’C’ is the highest in our school and ‘A’ is the lowest,” he said.

    Nobody dared tell him that he had everything all wrong. His leaders didn’t want him to deny them their much coveted pork so they praised him to the high heavens, confirming that his exceptional intelligence was already very evident way back in his school.

    Encouraged by the obeisance of his courtiers and court jesters, he goes on to show his outstanding leadership and talent. Previous Emperors met regularly with their ministers and lawmakers for appropriate guidance on governance. He considered his predecessors nitwits, unlike him who could make decisions by his lonesome.

    He remembered that once, he debated with a wizard whom his parents used to consult for advice. He was enraged that the wizard even belittled his knowledge of the law instead of giving it due recognition. As Emperor, he refused to invite the wizard to the Palace, much less talk to him even in social gatherings. It didn’t matter that the wizard was a friend of his parents for almost 40 years. He, the Emperor, knows more about everything than the rest of the populace in the kingdom and he will give hell to anybody who contests this.

    This led many of his subjects to call him “Emperor KIA.” They made him believe that this was a supreme complement because Kia cars are among the best in the world. They never told him that to them, KIA stands for “Know-It-All.”

    His kingdom has lawmaking and judicial bodies, just like Japan, the United Kingdom and Thailand. Unlike the rulers of those kingdoms, he’s not a mere figurehead. In fact, he has the lawmaking body under his thumb although the judiciary often rejects his royal decrees. The latest was the striking down of how he manages the kingdom’s funds that he had classified as savings.

    The judiciary said that savings could be declared only at the end of the fiscal year, never in midyear while a project is ongoing. This riled the Emperor who couldn’t believe that the jurists could intrude into his prerogatives.

    Then, after noting that the decision of the judiciary was well accepted by his subjects, he became less confrontational. He urged his lapdogs in the legislative branch to redefine “savings” instead so that he could move funds anytime his loyal followers are in need of pork.

    When told that this might not pass the scrutiny of the judiciary because of the effectivity of a fiscal year, Emperor KIA got another of his brilliant idea: “Redefine a fiscal year so it could end whenever I want savings.”

    To this, his men in the legislature piously said “amen.” This, however, didn’t please his subjects and the number of rebels swelled.

    The Emperor Know-It-All, the Pork Emperor who walked like a lame-duck, now realized his time was near. This recognition came too late.

    “My goose is cooked,” he said as a big throng gathered outside the Palace seeking his ouster or imprisonment.



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    1. Just like the last emperor of china, he might just end up as caretaker of his palace when he grows old. Just like him, he died without an heir.

    2. I like this satire. it is biting and corrosive like acid. I know it takes hard work and imagination to write this. Congrats Mr. Danao. Keep writing in the same genre. It’s effective.

    3. P. Akialamiro on

      Since this emperor believes that he is God’s gift to his realm, despite the fact that he might be “The Last”, everything is not in vain for him. He can play Hamlin and he still has his Hyatt 10 to follow him.

    4. Also, in fact, Emperor KIA is a tuta and puppet of the greedy string pullers. KIA = Knowledge Is Absent. Knowledge Insipid Abominable

    5. Good description of the Emperor KIA. Two years is not too long to end his term and to face incarcerations for his misdeeds. But two years is long enough to give him time to destroy democracy and inflict havoc to the nation and its citizens.