WHEN WORDS COLLIDE

MANILA: I strongly recommend that you, Mr. President, who may have signed the Reproductive Health Bill into law by now, against my wishes, hold the implementation of that

law for the next 12 months. Let’s just make sure we’re not jumping from the alleged frying pan into the alleged fire, from population explosion (pro-RH claim) to population control (anti-RH claim).

In the name of science, Mr. President, first let’s conduct a study entitled “Safe and Satisfying Sex [Sex+] with the Use of 13 US-Manufactured Oral Contraceptives by Adult Married Females of Local Volunteer Families, with Particular Focus on the Families of Pro-RH Members of the Current Philippine Congress, Including Some Pinoy Writers, Bloggers and Columnists,” with a US-trained medical doctor with a PhD in Population Dynamics as project leader, a known practitioner of Sex+ for at least five years prior to the study and who shall receive a total compensation of $69,000 plus expenses. A deputy project leader shall be assigned each in Luzon, the Visayas and Mindanao, and shall each receive $10,000 for participation.

The hypothesis of the Sex+ study shall be: “That the taking of oral contraceptives does not result in any life-threatening disease to the female who with a legitimate partner practices safe and satisfying sex.”

The twin objectives of the Sex+ study shall be as follows:

(a) To demonstrate that all the 13 contraceptives chosen for the study provide safe and satisfying sex.

(b) To prove that the 13 contraceptives do not have any life-threatening side-effects on Pinoy females who take the pills as prescribed by doctors and should not cause any concern to those who would take them or their families.

The Sex+ study shall be conducted with triple replications in Luzon, the Visayas, and Mindanao. No discrimination as to race, creed or color shall be made, as long as the female subjects chosen are at least 16 years of age. The regional offices of the Department of Health shall be involved as research coordinators in their respective areas.

The subjects of the study shall be selected by personal interviews from among all free thinkers and believers of human rights and the right of a woman to her body. By demonstrating their steadfast convictions on the wisdom of an RH law, the members of the nuclear and extended families of the following 183 pro-RH people should be persuaded to be volunteer subjects of this national study:

Alan Peter Cayetano, Alberto Romualdez, Andrew James Masigan, Angelo Palmones, Arlene Bag-ao, Armida Siguion-Reyna, Bong Faustino, Buddy Cunanan, Ces Drilon, Cheche Lazaro, Conrado de Quiros, Deo Macalma, Domini Torrevillas, Edcel Lagman, Edgardo Angara, Edwin Lacierda, Ellen Tordesillas, Esperanza Cabral, Ferdinand Marcos Jr, Fr. Ranhillo Callangan Aquino, Francis Escudero, Francis Pangilinan, Franklin Drilon, Fred Magbanua, Gel Santos Relos, Gemma Cruz Araneta, Gerry Lirio, Gilberto Teodoro, Janice Formichella, Jason Alacapa, Joel Sucaldito, Joey Galvez, Joker Arroyo, Karen Davila, Korina Sanchez, Leloy Claudio, Loren Legarda, Miguel Syjuco, Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Panfilo Lacson, Pet Melliza, Pia Cayetano, Ralph Recto, Ramon Casiple, Ricky Carandang, Rina Jimenez-David, Rosell Manahan, Susan Enriquez, Sylvia Estrada Claudio, Ted Failon, Teofisto Guingona 3rd, andWalden Bello and the 130 other representatives who voted Yes to the RH bill on 3rd and final reading.

The equipment to be purchased for the study shall be as follows: three complete laptop computer systems, three LCD/LED projectors, 160 inexpensive digital video cameras.
The methodology shall be as follows:

(a) The genuineness of the contraceptives shall be sworn to in writing by representatives of the drug companies involved. Each package of the pills shall be counter-signed by the marketing manager of the particular company.

(b) Each taking of the pill by the female volunteer shall be completely video-recorded by a member of the family, taking wide-angle shots and close-ups of the pill while the person is taking it.

(c) Effects shall be recorded five minutes after the pill is swallowed, afterwards every 15 minutes for the next 24 hours and before the next sex act.

(d) No sex act shall be made by any couple without a designated family recorder being aware of it.

(e) Only legally married couples, male and female, shall be allowed to participate in the study.

(f) Volunteers may quit at any time once the trials have started, only for health reasons.

(g) Study-approved local medical doctors shall monitor the health of the volunteer females from start to finish of the project. Medical expenses shall be shouldered by the project as necessary and appropriate.

Anticipated conclusion:

(1) If the results of the study show life-threatening effects of the contraceptives, the RH law shall be recommended for immediate repeal, and the adversely affected females shall be reimbursed for medical expenses incurred until they become well again. If so, you shall be known as the Sex+Denied President.

(2) If the results of the study show no life-threatening effects of the contraceptives, the RH law shall be recommended for immediate implementation. If so, you shall be known as the Sex+ Rated President.