Making your Christmas merry and bright

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ROLLY G. REYES

If Santa’s usage of reindeer is true, animal lovers may sue him for animal abuse by making them carry heavy loads.
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Santa’s tradition of entering the chimney unannounced may set off the house alarm and the automatic 9-11 response of the police could cause his arrest.
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Using Facebook or SMS, without a spell-checker, Santa wanting to hire 10 “elves” may bring in 10 “Elvis” applicants from Vegas.
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Snowmen of today may consult psychiatrists to ask about the dangers of being bi-polar.
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Christendom’s concept of “Midnight Mass” may not hold true anymore considering the different time zones. A midnight mass in New York may mean a noontime mass in Manila.
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Here in the Philippines, the LTFRB may require Santa to apply for a franchise for plying different routes, the LTO may cancel his driver’s license for not wearing a seatbelt and MMDA may tow his sled if parked on a tow-away zone.
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Households and retailers with Christmas trees may face suits from the Environmental Management Bureau of the DENR for illegal cutting of pine trees without an ECC.
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Snowman’s meaning today maybe redefined as “cool” or “chill” or “sub-zero.”
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Santa is in danger of air collisions with major airlines taking the polar route.
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If an airline accepts a chartered flight for Santas all over the world, I am afraid that Santas bound for first-world destinations will be seated in the first and business classes while those going to third-world countries will be seated in the economy section.
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If Jerusalem becomes the capital of Israel as suggested by the US, the Vatican and the Islamic world will surely protest the flying of Israel’s Star of David in the city.
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The reason reindeer are addicted to coffee is that they are Santa’s star bucks.
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Santa’s eight reindeer are called Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Rudolph later joined the group to become its ninth. Homeland Security is now investigating their ports of origin and may classify as undesirable immigrants if they cannot establish their nationalities.
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Some are protesting that the word “White Christmas” is racist until Johnnie Walker came in with one liter of Scotch whisky called “JW Black.”
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The worst greeting card one could receive is that which bears the inscription, “This is how much I’m willing to spend on you.”
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Overheard a doctor talking to a senior patient: “You have a suppository in your ear so I know where your hearing aid is.”
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A group of reindeer sent a letter to Santa saying, “You have to talk to our lawyer this time to discuss the details of our service contract not later than Christmas Eve.”
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Grillers are united in suing Santa for being overweight and clogging the chimneys before Christmas day.
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Kids of today are wondering why there are no apps available where they can go online and just punch in their gift requests for Santa Claus and have them delivered by Fedex or UPS. The reason for that is, they are more concerned now about receiving bigger gifts that would not fit into socks.
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As for Santa, he wishes that Waze or Google map would devise a way to pinpoint houses with chimneys so as not to waste his time looking for them.
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With security in mind, Santa is now reviewing the “No-Fly-Zone” areas around the globe. RPGs or rocket-propelled grenades may disrupt his Yuletide mission.
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The kids were outraged when they saw mommy kissing Santa Claus after seeing their father lying in their bedroom deeply asleep.
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After a fire in his house was put out, I saw a father yell to the gardener the next morning saying “Don’t ever, ever water our Christmas tree with the lights on again.”
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With gender sensitivity in mind, mall management now requires Santa to truthfully fill up the sex description portion of the application form: Male, Female or LGBT.
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Santa is assured that his reindeer are not members of PISTON and that is a reassurance that his journey will not be hampered by “Tigil-Pasada.”
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We just read Santa’s recent press statement that he would not ask Bong Go for a selfie no matter what, nor would he ask to be photographed inside Malacañang with the presidential seal.
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With new technology, Santa is worried that his secret visits might be featured in “Sapulsa CCTV” in newscasts and that he might encounter collisions with drones.
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With sanitation in mind, kids are now asking “who in their right mind would eat candies from socks?”
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After being on and off of his sled, climbing up and down on chimneys and carrying heavy bags, Santa Claus is an expected client of a chiropractor.
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Upon arrival here in the Philippines, Santa is bound to be confronted by the BOC if he paid his custom duties on incoming imported goods right. The BIR will surely ask how he acquired his wealth, for possible tax evasion charges. AMLAC may trace his offshore accounts just to be sure that he is not involved in money laundering. The COA would audit if the goods were not ghostly delivered. The Ombudsman is sure to research if gift-giving is not bribery in any case, or the HOR will investigate if the act is an impeachable offense.
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Santa is mulling a letter to the NRA to stop hunters from deer-hunting during the Christmas season.
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Christmas is canceled when Santa heard everybody saying they were all good this year. Medics declared he died laughing.
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Gift-wrapping staff at supermarkets are dreaming of the day when shoppers would just give gifts without boxes, wrappers and ribbons. The only setback is that they would have to browse the classified ads for job openings.
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Every time I think of superpowers trying to fight each other, I always get scared and remember that outlet for kids: “Toys R Us.”
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Good work, good deeds and good faith.

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