• More virulent swine flu virus strain found!

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    Efren Danao

    Efren Danao

    Health authorities have found a new and more virulent strain of the swine flu virus and warned that it could generate an epidemic in the Philippines. Authorities have traced the new strain, which they called P1Noy3, to Malacañang. The Office of the President had set up panic stations to keep this alarming news from going public. They tried but failed to mask it by saying it was actually a Drilon-Abad-PNoy (DAP) strain that’s “beneficial” to the country.

    President BS Aquino is set to pre-empt prime time programs on radio and teevee to deny that he’s the main source of the P1Noy3 virus strain. He is predicted to tell the people: “I’m not a Swine Flu King.” Survey firms and Malacañang have already pegged at 79 percent the public’s favorable response to the still-undelivered address. They’re confident that with the high approval rating of BS Aquino they have foisted on the public and with mainstream media accepting without question everything emanating from the Palace, they could pull the wool over the people’s eyes. They’re bent on protecting the President’s image at all cost, even at the expense of truth.

    Malacañang’s vehement denials on the existence of the P1Noy3 swine flu virus strain, however, could not keep the truth from getting out for long. The fact is, many had expected a swine flu epidemic when BS Aquino set foot on the Palace. What was unexpected was for the P1Noy3 strain to be three times more virulent than the flu strain in the previous dispensation.

    Common to pigs

    Swine flu is common among pig populations all over the world. People with regular exposure to pigs are more likely to catch its virus and transmit it to others. While symptoms of the old virus strain develop about one to three days after exposure, symptoms of the new more powerful P1Noy3 strain become evident on the very second one enters Malacañang or gets in contact with high Malacañang officials, members of the Legislative and the Cabinet, and officers of bogus non-government organizations.

    The symptoms of P1Noy 3 virus strain differ from previous ones elsewhere. Its most unmistakable symptom is the insatiable desire for pork and the inexplicable readiness to give oodles of it to those who are also addicted to the same. It also manifests itself in its carrier’s total deafness to the voice of his supposed bosses, the people. It’s no wonder that when BS Aquino defended his pork, the people shouted anew: “What part of ‘No to pork barrel’ didn’t you understand?”

    Another symptom of the P1Noy3 strain is the blurring of eyesight. Its carrier invariably believes that he’s treading the straight path even while walking on a crooked road. This can’t be cured by wearing thick eyeglasses, said scientists who also warned that it would be exacerbated by addiction to video games.

    Virus turns infected into habitual liar

    A person positive of P1Noy3 swine flu virus becomes a habitual liar and is prone to make unbelievable promises like totally abolishing pork even if he’s hopelessly addicted to it. He also loses energy in performing his official duties and responsibilities but not in pursuing girls, and refuses to call regular meetings of the Cabinet and the Legislative-Executive Development Advisory Council but is always ready for photo opportunity in the dead of the night in a calamity area. It can also be seen in the inability to mitigate greed, making its carrier liable to play fast and loose with the people’s money.

    By denying the existence of the new P1Noy3 swine flu virus strain, the Palace completely ensured that the virus would spread faster. Health authorities have confirmed that many high officials of the Executive and Legislative departments are now severely ill from this ailment. Aside from preventing the dreaded disease from spreading, the denial of the existence of the P1Noy3 strain has also kept scientists from finding an early cure.

    Some, like reader Rocky Avila, had proposed the ultimate cure – castrate the carriers of the virus. Scientists, however, say we need not go to that extreme. They note that some high government officials like former Senators Joker Arroyo and Ping Lacson and the Makabayan Bloc in the House led by Rep. Neri Colmenares have developed protective immunity to the swine flu virus.

    Health authorities are confident that they could find an effective antidote to the P1Noy3 Swine Flu strain from the blood extracted from Joker, Ping, and Colmenares and his group. They said they would immunize executive and legislative officials once they have found this antidote. At the same time, they admitted that no antidote could work on BS Aquino and other carriers.

    “Their illness is very severe. They are already beyond cure,” they said.

    They proposed instead that the people distance themselves from these officials.

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    3 Comments

    1. Congrats to Mr. Danao for his funny satire. But wait, what if the health authorities themselves are mortally infected with the virus? Do we say then, “Physician, heal thyself!” Truly, here’s one big question you overlooked, don’t you think so Mr Danao?

    2. There should be no worry for the availability of antidote for the subject virulent strain virus. It is readily available from OFWs and Filipinos all over the world. I have yet to read one who is for the ‘pork’ in issue.