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IT all began with a simple enough argument about
being late. Soon, however, after a sharp exchange of some hard
words, things got more complicated. Now, the issue about tardiness
was put on hold as the couple started to fight about him being
insensitive to her feelings. He, in turn, lashed back to her and
accused her of being too demanding and acting like a prima donna.
Before they called a truce, her mother-in-law had become another
issue.
What should have been a minor
misunderstanding not deserving anything more than perhaps a side
comment had become a major skirmish. It happened because of what I
called the “layering” of issues. Layering occurs when other
issues, besides the initial one that triggered the argument are
thrown into the discussion, thus triggering an escalation in the
conflict. What started out as an exchange of rifle fire now becomes
a major battle with artillery and combat aircraft called in by both
sides.
When there is layering of issues,
the initial argument happens because the major issues between both
sides are simmering just beneath the surface of the relationship
and, like a restless volcano, are just waiting to explode.
The situation becomes very much
more complicated when layering takes place. The combatants cannot
focus on one issue and resolve it because each side brings in its
own agenda. Both sides want to discuss areas where they feel they
are at the greatest advantage and attempt to divert attention away
from issues where they feel weakest.
In order to better solve the
problems, couples who need to iron out their differences have to do
all in their power to avoid layering issues. This can be done by
laying down two simple ground rules. First, agree to stick to the
issue at hand. Courts do this to avoid heated arguments. Lawyers are
admonished to strictly hold to the rules lest they be called to
order. Next, nobody should raise his or her voice. Once it does
happen, a recess will automatically be called until the parties can
resume with calmer disposition.
I write about this because my
family had agreed to discuss issues over dinner once a week using
precisely the above rules and it has worked wonderfully for us.
Every member of the family can bring up any issue, but nobody is
allowed to inject other issues into the discussion. Because
everybody can take as much time as is needed to fully talk out an
issue without worrying about getting sidetracked or shouted at, the
“family dinner” is amazingly calm, even when some difficult and
controversial matters are brought to the table.
One more thing. Because the
family dinner has worked so well, every member is encouraged to wait
for that time to discuss thorny issues. Not surprisingly, the
waiting time acts as a cooling off period and allows for a less
emotional discussion during the family dinner.
I urge you to try the family
dinner or some other tool to better settle problems. Keeping to one
issue at the time will go to a long way in achieving that.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com
or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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