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YEARS ago, my sister was married to a veterinarian. But some who
knew him thought he was a beast because he beat my sister so badly,
so often. The beatings went on for years. He would throw her against
the wall, punch her and pull her by the hair.
Perhaps it was because we, the family, were so
far away, or maybe because she feared more trouble, she never told
us about her abuse. After seven years of being used as a punching
bag, he shot himself and she was finally liberated.
What kind of man beats his wife? Why is there so
much violence in homes in our country? What is it that causes a man
to beat his spouse and his children?
There are many factors that need to be
considered. One is our culture. In our society, the man is the head
of the house. Not always, but more often, he rules the household. If
he is the sole breadwinner in the family, he might even feel that
domination is his right since he earns, feeds and clothes the
family. He is the patriarch who believes he is mandated to act as
the enforcer of his own rules.
Besides, it wasn’t very long ago in history
that women were seen as inferior. They had less rights and were
treated as a man’s property that allowed him to do as he wished
with her. It was his right to beat her if she did not follow in
English common law. In other cultures such as ours, if the law did
not allow it, rarely was the husband punished if he was violent with
his wife.
In my more than forty years of counseling
experience, I have found that wife beating is common.
Since there is no divorce here, you can
understand why so many wives “grin and bear it,” as they say,
rather than get out. They get little if any protection under the law
and, if they do have recourse to legal proceedings, the costs are
more than most can afford. Many remain because of the kids and what
society might say.
Studies have shown that unemployment increases
the likelihood of violence in the house. Unemployed men who want to
work are frustrated, depressed and angry. They are more apt to take
out their frustrations on their wives and displace their anger on
her and the kids. Unemployed men feel useless and their self-esteem
takes a dive. Their domination of the spouse and the children makes
them feel good about themselves and serves to compensate for their
feelings of inadequacy.
Beatings take place in the homes of the rich as
well, but are more common among the poor. Poverty is associated with
feelings of failure and powerlessness and these feelings can only
mean trouble for the wife. And when alcohol use is present, then the
chances of the wife getting beaten up rise dramatically. This is
true especially if the man has a group of friends like himself. They
tend to feed on their mutual negative feelings. Violence gives them
the sense of control and strength in the only area they can feel
powerful . . . the family.
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail
me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com
or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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