|
WE all know of happily married couples whose
relationships turned sour. Happy and contented at one time, they now
find their love dying a slow death and their marriage
disintegrating. Often, they ask themselves how things could have
gotten so much out of hand.
Unless there is a dramatic
happening like the discovery of an affair, marriages don’t
collapse overnight. They take time. Months, years, even many long
years can pass before love completely dies.
Keeping a love strong and growing
for a lifetime calls for continuing efforts on the part of both
partners. That’s a lot easier in theory than it is in practice. In
fact, all theory is easier than practice.
What complicates marriage is that
so many things can happen to sidetrack it. All it takes is for one
partner to tire and decide to hold back, or worse, to sabotage the
relationship. The other partner can be as sincere and as loving as
ever, but cannot make the marriage work alone.
This is what I feel is most
frustrating for spouses caught in troubled marriages. Usually (at
least in the early stages of conflict) one partner wants very much
to settle things while the other is less willing. As the
relationship deteriorates further, one spouse usually begins to
panic, while the other is content to let things go. Almost always,
one partner makes a disproportionate effort to repair the sinking
ship. What’s most frustrating and most disheartening is the
sinking feeling of helplessness as the marriage continues to break
up despite one’s best effort.
Getting a listless partner
motivated enough to attempt a repair job on a damaged relationship
can be a real challenge. Often, what’s needed is a dramatic
happening, like the threat of separation or the loss of the children
to shake up a spouse who cannot seem to see the urgency of the
situation.
What kills countless marriages is
when the partner who is frantically trying to fix things gets
discouraged and gives up. Then, the marriage settles into a slow but
certain downward movement. Inevitably, the relationship crashes.
Even if the couple does not separate, their love is now only a shell
of what is used to be. The spouses get into a routine that is devoid
of affection and real caring. They do what is practical, but no more
than is necessary to go on living together.
Couples who believe their love
can never die and who take it for granted risk letting their guard
down. It is always easier to keep the momentum of a love going
forward than it is to resurrect a dying love. It takes less effort
to make minor repairs than it does to completely rehabilitate a
devastated relationship. The old saying, “Better an ounce of
prevention than a pound of cure”, surely applies.
I keep telling married couples to
pay attention to those little repair jobs and not to underestimate
seemingly insignificant problems. But, keeping a marriage on track
calls for constant vigilance and quick reactions to the small
troubles. Problem is that so many couples get tired and tell
themselves they will take care of it tomorrow.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com
or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
|
