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Part two of five parts
SINCE the sum total of all our
past experiences constitutes what and who we are, it is of prime
importance that you get to know the history of anyone who means
something to you. So often we call someone a friend when we know so
little about him. I suppose we all have our own definitions of what
it is that makes a friend.
For me, a friend is someone who
is open to me about his inner thoughts and feelings as I am with
him. He accepts me as I am, even if he does not approve of my
negatives. There is a difference between accepting and approving. I
accept my drug addicts even if I don’t approve of their drug
taking. We share similar values even if our interests may vary
greatly. Values are emotional bonds that hold friends together. A
friend is one whom you can count on in times of need. He is someone
you will not hesitate to reach out to when he is in trouble. And
when you do so, it will be with a happy heart.
That, for me, is what, among
other things, I call friendship. Tall order? Yes. This means that I
have a lot of acquaintances, but not so many friends.
What more if it is someone you
are thinking of living with for the rest of your life. It never
ceases to amaze me how little lovers really know about each other.
Even after months of courtship, years even of marriage, there is so
much that remains unknown to them.
I remember a wife telling me
recently: “I have been married to my husband for 10 years and it
is only now that I realize that I don’t know him.”
Spending time together does not
mean that you know each other. The other night, I watched a TV show
where young women met guys in a bar. They drank, made a lot of
noise, laughed, embraced and later in the night got into cars and
drove off with the men. Presumably, they had sex. How much could
they know about each other in so short a time and under such
circumstances? Very little, yet, they rushed off together,
intoxicated and with reckless abandon threw themselves into each
other’s arms. Things moved so fast that there is no way friendship
could take root. Fun and games, sex and drink? Yes. Friendship of
any real kind? Of course not.
Good feelings that arise out of
fun and play are good as starters, but they are just that: starters.
They are not enough to sustain and move a friendship forward. What
is needed is serious focus on the job of getting to know the real
person behind all the fun and games.
When two people fall in love,
those romantic good feelings act as a sweetener, a motive to move
forward and explore further. Too many sweets, however, eventually
kill your appetite for the more substantial things. They distract
from the essentials.
They say that we should look
before we jump into intimate relationships. I agree, but take it a
step further and say, “study well before jumping, there may be
rocks just beneath the surface.”
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City
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