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BETRAYAL sometimes stems from a sense of
powerlessness.
“Your betrayer,” writes one
therapist, “may have felt powerless in your relationship. Rightly
or wrongly, he believed that you usually got your needs met and he
didn’t. Whenever the two of you disagreed, he didn’t negotiate;
he let you have your way. He would say, ‘Whatever you want,
dear,’ even when the issue was really important. Or, ‘Never
mind, it’s OK,’ when it wasn’t OK with him at all. He may have
felt he never got his way. If you repeatedly hear these phrases,
chances are that there is a power imbalance.
“Normally, power in a
relationship is dynamic; shifts from one person to another like a
seesaw. But sometimes one person feels as if he is under his
partner’s thumb. So he rebels. One of the most likely forms of
rebellion is betrayal.”
During more than 40 years as a
counselor, I have dealt with countless cases of infidelity and the
issue of power figured prominently in most. A man is married to a
powerful, domineering woman who takes charges of most things in the
relationship. The guy feels emasculated. His self-esteem drops like
a rock. He feels he has lost all control. He cannot stands up to his
wife. He feels like a puppy dog being led around on a leash.
When these men get into an
affair, it almost always with a woman they can control. She might be
a maid type who readily submits to him. After all, he does not want
another tough woman like his wife. He goes in the direct opposite
direction and looks for a woman who is compliant. In short, he gets
back a measure of power and control that he lost in his marriage.
This is why people get so
surprised when a husband who is so completely dominated by his wife
has an affair. They find it difficult to understand how he would
have the guts to betray the wife, but he does because of the
pressing need to exercise a measure of control in his life.
In this case, the betrayer feels
he has the “right to be happy.” He knows he cannot overpower or
even share power with his spouse, so he gives up trying. Instead, he
goes looking for a new relationship with someone less overbearing.
When he finds such a woman, it is like being reborn again. He gains
a measure of self-respect and self-esteem. He is happy again even if
he knows all hell will break loose if and when the wife learns of
the affair. Regardless, he believes it is all worth the risks
involved.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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