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OFTEN betrayal is about feeling trapped. Trapped in a marriage that
has not met his needs and expectations. Trapped in a never-ending
series of conflicts. Trapped by situations that are only getting
worse by the day. Trapped by his love for his children and his dying
or dead love for his wife. Trapped by the constant stress of all the
above.
In such circumstances, betrayal should not come
a complete surprise. What should surprise is that it has not yet
happened. The rest of your life can be quite long and when you
marry, it is with the intention of staying together until one of you
dies. When marriage is seen more as a cage rather than the healing
and liberating experience it is meant to be, then betrayal is in the
cards.
I know of men who found themselves in just such
circumstances, but who held steady and were faithful despite it all.
They were, however, in the minority. They were extraordinary men of
faith and conviction who were able to keep their commitment
(fidelity) not because they were happy and contented but because the
thought of betraying the wife was seen by them as a betrayal of all
they believed in. So, they suffered as they carried on as best, they
could.
Most men are not like that. They cannot tolerate
this kind of stress indefinitely. Either they will stray or simply
walk away. Men trapped in such circumstances are definitely
candidates for infidelity.
Men who are in a reasonably quiet and satisfying
relationship, but who are sexual needy and discontented might be
strongly tempted to betray the one they love. They might not see
their infidelity as infidelity per se, but as a diversion. “After
all, I don’t love the girl. I only did it for the sex,” they
might say. And many men have told me precisely that. They argue that
they still love the wife because there is no emotional involvement
with the other woman.
The wise spouse will see an unhappy husband as a
candidate for betrayal, regardless of his past fidelity. She will do
all she can to defuse the situation and inject a new level of
excitement into the relationship. She knows that if she doesn’t,
trouble is just around the corner.
If, however, love has died, then only the
highest principled man will remain faithful. And those men are the
exception rather than the rule. Once love has drained out of a
relationship, there isn’t much left to hold a man.
Women are much more apt to remain faithful in a
miserable marriage than are men. We see women martyrs all the time
who remain in a loveless marriage while the husband plays around.
Male martyrs are not very common. Perhaps it is because men are not
as good at handling stress as women. Perhaps it is because women
have a greater sense of family and are willing to sacrifice
themselves more readily than are men.
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail
me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com
or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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