|
OK, after these 11 columns about the causes of and
probable reasons why men betray their women, what are the most
likely sequences of betrayal?
Two marriage counselors, Goldner
and Rhodes, tell us what usually happens. I can confirm and agree
with them. Over 40 years of counseling couples in trouble have shown
me the sequence of events that lead to betrayal.
The counselors give a
step-by-step scenario of what leads up to the betrayal itself.
1. Your betrayer is dissatisfied
with certain aspects of your relationship.
2. He calls them to your
attention a few times; you seem not to respond.
3. Your betrayer’s frustration
builds because he feels ignored.
4. Eventually he gives up. He
becomes sullen, even depressed.
5. You don’t notice how upset
your betrayer really is.
6. He shifts his energy and
emotions away from you.
At this point the betrayal is an
accident waiting to happen. Your partner is open to connecting with
any attractive person who offers attention, understanding and
responsiveness. His new friend appears to be caring, empathetic, and
exciting . . . very different from you.
7. Your betrayer makes a
deliberate choice to direct his energy and emotions toward his new
friend. Their relationship deepens and becomes sexual.
8. He makes another deliberate
choice not to tell you. He and his new friend start to plan their
future together.
9. You are unaware of what is
going on. He has formed another relationship right under you nose.
At some point you find out
what’s going on. You urge your betrayer to go for counseling, but
he refuses. After all, he’s been distancing himself from you for
months or even years. There’s no way he is going to go backward.
He’s found what he has been looking for and he is not about to
give it up.
The betrayal is now an
accomplished fact. Your relationship is now officially over.
Goldner and Rhodes know what they
are talking about. This is why the wife rarely gets much cooperation
from the husband when she desperately tries to save the marriage. He
has gone too far already and is no longer interested in
reconciliation. And if, by some miracle or twist of fate, he does
not leave the house, the marriage might still be damaged beyond
repair. The couple may go on, but it is not and can never be the way
it used to be. Even if the wounds heal, the scars and the memories
will always remain even if they are never talked about.
Betrayal is the most common cause
of marital conflict and separation. When there is betrayal, there is
loss of trust, loss of credibility and, yes, loss of love. It is
exceedingly difficult to love a man who has lied, deceived and slept
with another woman after he has committed himself to you. You might
forgive, but you can never forget. And the memories will always keep
a measure of doubt active in your mind. That is in the nature of
betrayal.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City.
|
