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WHEN the situation in a marriage
has deteriorated to the point where it makes no sense to go on, why
is it that spouses continue to hang in there despite it all? This is
especially true of women. Men will be a lot quicker to walk away.
Women tend to hold on much longer, often until they are carried to
the grave. Rarely is a man seen as a martyr. Usually, but not
always, he is describe as a dictator, a tormentor and a control
freak. “So why do women stay on when common sense seems to dictate
that they need to leave? I will state seven reasons that are most
often given to counselors.
The first is
because somehow, in the midst of all her hurt and frustrations, she
remains hopeful. She will tell him that she still loves him. She
believes that the good in him still outweighs the bad. She thinks
that there is a special bond that still exists in all the
accumulated emotional debris. She says she might never find another
man.
She still
believes that, by some miracle, she will somehow change with her
help. She still dreams that she can bring back the love and care
that she experienced when their love was at its peak. That is, of
course, wishful thinking, but desperate people think in desperate
ways.
She might even
look around and tell you that the situation isn’t all that bad,
even if you see it as a living hell. And perhaps she wants to make
the relationship work because she cannot stand the thought of
failing. This, even if, by all accounts, her marriage is already an
unmitigated disaster.
The second
reason why women remain is fear. Fear of the partner. Fear of what
he might do if she makes a move and leaves him. She might fear that
he will hurt her physically. Many women in counseling have told me
that they fear the partner will kill them if they dare leave him.
And the look in their eyes tells you that their fear is real.
They are
afraid if run and hide, he will find them. One woman told me
recently that she wants to separate, but she is convinced “that he
will have me killed.” So, she remains in the relationship even if
she is very unhappy.
Often the man
threatens to commit suicide if she leaves him. It is a threat the
guy knows she will take seriously. She doesn’t want his blood on
her hands and so the goodness and compassion in her kick in and she
stays, even if it means a life of misery. This suicide threat in
quite commonly used by guys because they know it works well with the
good women who are trapped in an unwanted relationship.
Even if I tell
the woman that she cannot be responsible for the behavior of a grown
man, she still holds on. Even if I tell her that his threat of
suicide is proof of his immaturity and his obsession, with
controlling her, still the remote possibility that he just might do
it is enough to keep her in his tight grasp.
If you have
problems about drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office
at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write
me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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