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A COMMON fear of women who are thinking of leaving a
toxic relationship is being alone. For many, especially those who
have been years in a marriage or relationship, many habits have set
in. They are used in a certain lifestyle that is sure to change
radically if they go off on their own.
Living in a dysfunctional
marriage, for them, is less scary than having to face the many
unknowns that separation will surely bring.
Having to raise the kids on her
own is disconcerting, even if her partner was not that involved.
Having nobody to lean on, even if the partner isn’t there for her
most of the time is frightening for these women.
Remember that women who are
trapped in a dying relationship take an emotional beating. They
suffer from a drop in self-esteem. Their self-confidence is shaken.
This fear of being alone can be
so strong that it often is more than enough to keep a suffering
woman in the relationship despite her deep woundedness.
Perhaps the most common reason
for staying, however, is the children. If the children are strongly
attached to their father, separation is seen by her as tearing out
the hearts of the kids she loves so dearly.
Even though she tries her best to
keep them out of the line of fire when in conflict with her partner,
she rarely succeeds completely. Sooner or later, the children
(especially older ones) will feel threatened by their arguments.
They might even ask if she or dad is planning to leave. She knows
that no matter how bad the situation, the younger children will
never agree nor understand even the very valid reasons for breaking
up.
She worries that the separation
will deprive them financially and result in a loss of lifestyle they
have come to expect. She fears they will blame her if she makes the
first move to get out. She worries that they will be without a
needed male in the house. And she might even wonder if she is up to
keeping them all in the line without the presence of the father.
Her faith is another reason for
remaining. She might have strong convictions about the sacredness of
marriage and the thought of initiating a separation might make her
feel guilty.
She might even feel guilty about
leaving him on his own. Her sense of responsibility, her hang up
about her until “death do us part” vow could kick in to prevent
her from making a move toward the door.
And last, she might still be in
the process of deciding. Marriages and relationships very rarely die
of a sudden heart attack! Couples deeply in love don’t blow
themselves and the relationship up. Like a virus that slowly weakens
the body, so do conflict, marital drift, a measure of growing apart
for any number of reasons, and a continuing cooling of the intensity
of love: all these factors make it difficult to decide quickly.
Usually it will take time for the
woman to decide. A lot of time. Often she spends her life deciding
without ever making the hard decision that leads her to the door.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or
825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com
or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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