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WHEN problems arise in your relationship, there is the tendency to
draw your gun, start shooting and ask questions later. The gun is
the mouth and the bullets the hurting words that are spoken in
anger.
There is something in all of us that pushes us
to shoot from the hip when we are irritated or when we feel we have
been dealt with unfairly. Maybe it is past experiences that are the
triggers that cause us to explode. Perhaps it is the feeling that we
are being put down by the one we love. Usually though, we sense the
need to defend ourselves because we perceive we are being attacked.
More often than not, we are being attacked. And
by the one we love and who claims to love us. It’s all so hurting,
so we follow our natural tendency to hurt right back.
In so doing, however, we get into verbal brawls
that tend to escalate into battles and wars that nobody wins. Every
conflict hurts even if sometimes it helps to clear up a problem.
Every angry word pierces the heart of the beloved and leaves a scar.
There are those who insist that conflict is good
and necessary to right some wrongs and deal with increasingly
desperate situations. I personally have advocated this, but only in
situations that have gotten out of control.
It is always better to resolve conflict and
difficult situations by being as careful as possible not to hurt
unnecessarily. Like the competent physician who is exceedingly
careful not to cause pain even as he deals with the physical
ailment.
When you attack your beloved, you invite a
counterattack. When you fire the first shot, you can expect return
fire. Even if people know somebody will get hurt in a gunfight, you
wonder why they start the fight in the first place.
Usually it is because of loss of control. People
simply react instinctively to attack. It’s almost a knee-jerk
reaction. We do not think. We just react, then think later after we
survey the damage. Then we feel guilty, and remorseful. So we put
down our gun and say sorry to our bleeding loved one.
If only we can learn patience. If only we can
hold our fire and wait till our temper cools. If only we can choose
the right time and place to gently talk to the one we love and are
committed to, then we would prevent a lot of emotional bloodletting
and unnecessary carnage.
If we can allow some time to pass before
responding to the beloved, chances are both of us will be more
composed and more apt to engage in a fruitful dialogue. Your loved
one will be more disposed to listening if you speak gently and in
the way friends do.
If you can accept that you are some part of the
problem instead of dumping everything on your beloved, then you will
greatly improve the odds of your partner doing likewise and
accepting faults and mistakes too with grace and composure.
When speaking to your loved one, you must always
keep in mind that he/she is precisely that: your beloved. If you can
do that, you will be more patient.
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If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or e-mail me
at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
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