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One of the most fundamental reasons why two married
people get into destructive conflicts is the inability to say
“no.” When a man cannot stay in control of his heavy feelings
that are beginning to surface; if he cannot say “no” to his urge
to strike back at his wife’s hurting words; if he cannot do this,
then you can be sure that a clash will almost inevitably result.
The wife comes down for breakfast
in a bad mood. The sun has been in the morning sky for only an hour
and already she is complaining about almost everything. The husband
feels awfully irritated and feels like responding by giving her a
piece of his mind. He understands that she has not been very well
lately and he knows that she is not herself this morning. If he can
hold back and say “no” to his natural inclination to respond
negatively, then there is a good chance that the unpleasantness
could be minimized. If on the other hand, he cannot control himself;
if he says whatever comes to his mind and hurts, then a heavier
conflict will arise as the two begin a series of sharp exchanges
that are sure to conflict pain.
I am not saying that the husband
should not respond to his grouchy wife because I think he should.
But when? That is the question. If he answers her when she is
visibly upset, he surely cannot hope for a calm discussion of the
issue at hand. Most likely, there will be conflict and some hurting
that both will surely later on.
If on the other hand, he can hold
on and wait a while until the dust settles and she calms down, then,
both his and her responses will be a lot less emotional and most
likely, more appropriate. When people are calm they can more readily
stick to the issues at hand without getting lost in a maze of
emotional red tape.
If the husband has the ability to
wait until the time is ripe to confront his angry wife, the results
of their subsequent discussion are apt to be more positive, more
constructive.
But this is not as easy as it
seems. When one is hurt, there is a natural and quick desire to
respond and to hurt right back. It takes a good deal of maturity to
hold back when the one inflicting the hurt is standing right there
before me, provoking me to anger. It calls for a whole lot of
control to postpone my need to respond when I feel I am being dealt
with unfairly.
However, if I do not posses this
ability to say “no” to my inclination to give quick and sharp
retorts, I can expect many conflicts and heavy emotional arguments.
I should not at all be surprised if things oftentimes get out of
hand and any clashes are later perceived as pointless.
If, on the contrary, I can learn
to wait until there is a favorable emotional environment for
irrational discussion, then, I can look forward to a more meaningful
and peaceful relationship where conflicts are kept to a minimum and
their intensity lessened by temperance and the ability to say
“no” when “yes” would be so much easier.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or
8251771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City
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