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After more than four decades of counseling married
couples and lovers, it is easy enough to tell if a relationship is
doomed to fail.
One sure sign is when the
partners find it increasingly difficult to forgive each other.
Problems and misunderstandings that result in conflict are
inevitable in every relationship. They are as sure to happen as the
rising and the setting of the sun. You simply cannot reasonably
expect it to be otherwise.
When they do happen, hurt is
inevitable. The pain needs to be attended to if the relationship is
to get back on track. If it isn’t, then regret sets in and the
offended party begins to look over the fence for an alternative.
This is why forgiveness plays such an important part in keeping love
healthy and growing.
It takes two sincere persons,
however, to make forgiveness work well. One needs to ask for
forgiveness and the other needs to accept it. That won’t be
enough, however, if one or the other is perceived to be insincere.
Love can become so frustrating
when it is one-sided. You keep hoping that your love will somehow
generate a like response from your beloved, but it doesn’t. You
are sincere in asking for forgiveness, but your partner does not
believe that you are true to your words. Or, your loved one keeps
asking forgiveness for the same offense over and over again. So much
so that you can no longer believe him when he says, “I’m
sorry.”
This is why when couples come to
me for help and I can see that forgiveness is hard to come by in
their relationship. Then, the chances of success in fixing things
are low.
Refusal to ask for forgiveness
means that one intends to continue the behavior because 1) one feels
he is entitled to it, or 2) he intends to keep on hurting the
partner.
In either case, when there is an
unwillingness to ask for forgiveness, trouble is just around the
corner. Forgiveness is the ointment that heals wounds. It is what is
necessary for couples to get back up after there has been serious
pain inflicted on one or both. Without forgiveness asked for and
forgiveness freely and sincerely given, the wounds fester and remain
open and a threat to their love.
Because of our human makeup we
have limits to our willingness to forgive. Repeated and flagrant
offensive behavior is a sign of lack of sincerity. And where there
is no sincere desire to improve and avoid a repetition of the same
hurtful behavior, it becomes increasingly difficult to forgive. And
once forgiveness stops, the relationship dies.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or
8251771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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