|
The adolescent and teen years are perhaps the most difficult time in
the life of both men and women. They are also the most critical. It
is during this time when decisions and the consequences of behavior
have the greatest impact on one’s future. In short, these years
are crucial in determining the level of happiness a person will have
for the rest of his or her life.
It is a time of intense learning how to deal
with life. Social skills become vital to successful functioning.
Attitudes and behavior towards the opposite sex emerge. Values
taught by parents are reviewed and accepted, modified or rejected
outright.
It is a time of preparation to enter into the
world of adults. A period of transition that is necessarily
confusing and full of turmoil. It is a time for making it in school
or giving up on academics and paying the price for the rest of
one’s life.
It is also a time for loving the opposite sex. A
time for feeling great personal need to be loved. A time of sexual
arousal. A time when acceptance of one’s peers is almost as
important as life itself.
It is also a time when the youngster needs all
the advice he can get. It is, however, a time when he is not
inclined to listen very well to advice from his elders even as he
values the counsel of his peers.
Let me focus on just one dimension of this
crucial moment in a youngster life. I refer to the need to love and
be loved by the opposite sex.
This need arises almost literally overnight.
Suddenly, before he knows what hit him, there is a great interest in
the opposite sex. Whereas, before boys and girls hardly liked each
other, now they become obsessed with each other. Always to the
point of distraction and sometimes to the level of obsession.
And they plunge into relationships with a fury. Rarely solid,
lasting and meaningful relationships. Almost always their
relationships break up because they don’t have what it takes to
carry them to higher levels of loving. (There are countless levels
of love.)
All too often, their forays into love end up in
unmitigated disasters. Early and ill-advised sex, deep emotional
wounds and loss of self-esteem stemming from rejection, unwanted
pregnancies, conflict with parents, loss of interest in academics,
and a host of other troubles are all possible traps that await the
unsuspecting teener who cannot manage his/her need to love and be
loved.
This is why adolescents and teenagers need
guidance so badly. Without help and solid advice, things can easily
get out of hand.
A major problem that most adolescents feel is
intense dissatisfaction with themselves. They therefore focus on
filling that vacuum and finding ways to satisfy what seems to be
lacking in their lives.
The first mistake he commits is to look at love
as a way of GETTING what he needs. He doesn’t see love as giving.
For him it becomes more a matter of getting. This is why the first
experiences at loving almost always end quickly and badly. When two
youngsters are fiercely trying to get instead of giving, the
consequences are predetermined. Before you can say I love you there
is conflict and dissatisfaction as both parties see each other as
grasping and unwilling to give when the chips are down. When getting
takes priority over giving, that relationship is doomed from the
very start.
Young people who are not taught how to love have
to learn by trial and error. Some learn while others never do and go
through life wondering why they are so unlucky in love. Luck has
little to do with it. It’s just that they have never learned.
___
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail
me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
|
