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POLITENESS is to say the kindest things in the kindest way. There
are many ways to say the same thing. One can be very impolite in
expressing something. Another can be cold and distant even if he is
polite. And a third person can be very kind in saying the same
thing.
Choose which way you would prefer to be told
something, which by its very nature, is unpleasant. Surely you would
want to be told in the most polite manner. Who would not want it so?
What is strange, when you come to think of it,
is that two persons in love can be so impolite to each other. We
have seen this often. A couple in love snaps at each other in ways
they would never do with their friends. A married couple is brutal
in the way they talk to each other. You immediately doubt their
love.
“How can they love each other and talk that
way,” is the question that comes to mind? People in love show
respect and respect calls for elementary politeness that is sorely
lacking in this case.
When love begins to waver, so too does
politeness, and when love collapses, politeness becomes a thing of
the past. Normally polite persons talk to each other as if they have
forgotten the basic elements of politeness.
We, of course, know why. Anger has overwhelmed
them. Conflict is everywhere. Misunderstandings are happening left
and right. The politeness they showed each other when their love was
new has vanished with hardly a trace.
They might show a measure of politeness when
they are before friends and family, but they don’t fool anyone.
There are moments when anger gets the best of them and they show
impatience with each other in the form of impoliteness that is
noticed. Later, when they no longer can hide their anger, their lack
of politeness becomes open and obvious. Now, everyone knows that
something is very wrong with their relationship. Their lack of
politeness is the red flag that is there for everyone to see.
When the rules of politeness no longer apply in
a love relationship, the downward spiral of love is accelerated. The
situation deteriorates very quickly because all pretense of mutual
respect is gone.
Enemies who have a measure of respect for each
other can live side by side so long as they can be at least polite
to each other. The moment this is no longer possible, however, there
will be war. When the insults start flying back and forth, open
conflict erupts and will not stop until a semblance of polite
exchanges are possible.
In counseling couples whose relationships are on
the ropes, I know when the chances of reconciliation are almost
non-existent. They can not sit and talk to each other without
continuous outbursts and insults. When that happens, it’s time to
think about separation.
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail
me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
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