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One of the most important lessons we need to teach our children is
that they must be responsible for their own behavior and bear the
consequences when they do wrong. This is vital because you cannot
protect a son from society once he leaves your home. You are surely
convinced of the goodness of your child and you love him deeply.
Society, on the other hand, has no special
liking for him. He is just one of the five billion people on this
earth. If he does not behave properly, the world will have little
patience with him.
The job of every parent is to prepare the
children to function as effectively as possible in the world at
large. It isn’t enough to simply love them. You have to plan for
their entry into society. You must equip them to make their own way
in the world.
But are they not already a part of our society?
Yes and no. Sure, they go off and explore society. But they quickly
rush back or, most likely, are pulled back into the confines of the
home where they are protected from society at large and where they
live by the rules of the family.
Sadly, these rules often run counter to what is
expected of them in society. Parents tend to be overprotective. They
often allow their children to do things and to behave in ways that
society frowns upon. They spoil them and unwittingly set them up for
big trouble later on when they venture out on their own.
You can see the beginnings of this in school.
Here is a selfish, self-centered child who is insensitive to his
classmates. He was not born that way. His behavior was learned
mostly in the home. He was never taught to care for others in his
own house, to be kind and thoughtful. Instead, he pretty much did
things his way and got away with it—until he got to school.
Now he is paying the price. His classmates do
not like him because, frankly, he’s not very likable. He keeps
getting into trouble with his teachers because he insists on having
things his way and in class it’s the teacher’s way that reigns
supreme. There are rules and procedures to follow. You cannot have
it your way. If you insist, there will be trouble.
What is most tragic is that kids who have never
learned discipline, respect for others and all those other values we
adults have come to expect get very confused when society turns
against them. They are bewildered because it seems to them that
people are not playing by the rules they are used to—their rules
to be exact.
I see this confusion all the time, especially
among teenagers. Society is more patient with little brats than it
is with teenaged terrorists who are laws unto themselves. Perhaps it
is because little children do not threaten us. Big children do.
Also the potential disruptiveness of teenagers is so much greater
than that of preschoolers. What we adults are willing to tolerate in
grade one kids, we want to crush when we see it in teenagers and
young adults.
But these children who have never been taught
the ways of society are genuinely confused when confronted with
their unacceptable behavior. You can see it in their faces and hear
it in the words they use. And when you speak to their parents, you
know where the kids are coming from. The passing of the years does
not guarantee maturity and responsible behavior. Everyday, we run
into adults whose behavior is immature and unacceptable.
I can never forget a sixth grade student who got
into trouble for bullying his classmates. When the parents were
called in, the principal was taken aback by the father of the boy
who aggressively defended his son’s behavior. It turned out that
the father was a bully in his own right and actually encouraged his
son to use his fists to intimidate his classmates. The boy (and his
parents) were asked to leave the school. Their behavior was
unacceptable in society even if it was permitted at home. Is it
surprising if the kid was confused?
Effective parents know what their children are
getting into when they step out of the house and into a society that
can be downright hostile to those who refuse to conform to its
rules. They prepare their kids well by molding them in such a way
that when they do strike out on their own they will not clash with
society, but will slip into it gracefully and with minimal conflict.
If they succeed, they will spare their children from a lot of
unnecessary pain.
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If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or e-mail me
at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
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