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In my years of practising Chi energy therapies, I’ve noticed a
prevailing mindset in a lot of the women I’ve done therapies on or
taught chi gong and meditation. Majority of them have a mindset of
lacking of “self.”
The Filipino cultural definition of having a
“self” is to be selfless—to always be charitable and
altruistic and to sacrifice for family, friends and even career.
This concept of self has its roots in our Christian patriarchal
culture.
From what I’ve observed, it has long-term
harmful effects on a woman’s psyche and physical health.
The sense of self I’m referring to is a mix of
traditional Buddhist principles and modern psycho therapy
principles. A sense of “self” means knowing who you are behind
all the roles in life that we play. Many women project their very
existence to be wife, daughter, mother, career woman but never just
themselves. I have observed that after years of playing the role for
others, going within and finding out who they are causes emotional
discomfort, fear and even guilt.
A good example was Pam (not her real name). She
was referred to me because she had a bout with depression. For years
she dutifully took care of her family, husband and even extended
relations. She knew exactly the likes, dislikes, ambitions and what
makes people around her happy.
But when I asked her, “What would make you
happy Pam?” she had no answer. She just looked at me with a blank
stare as if it was a ridiculous question.
Her case was a classic case of women with no
identity other than an outflow of energy to care for others
emotionally, socially, financially. She wasn’t getting any inflow.
In short, she was running on empty—hence the depression and
emotional shut down. This was already affecting her family and
others who were depending on her for what she usually did for them.
It seems she can’t give what she doesn’t have for
herself—happiness.
The basic principle of having a healthy sense of
“self” is knowing what makes you happy and actually engaging in
those activities. The Filipino culture values selflessness. But how
can one give respect, love and happiness if one lacks it for
themselves? The ones who suffer for this principle the most seems to
be the women of our country. Is the image of strong, wilful
intelligent Filipina so against our culture in this day and age?
A wise teacher once told me that we have to
begin with being selfish so we can give back to the world. Who are
you Filipina? And what makes you happy? The fun is in finding out.
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