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A 29-year-old single dad talks
about what comes through as important amidst managing the ex, the
responsibilities of parenthood and the perils of dating again.
“I have a 4-year-old daughter
from a past relationship. I have custody of my daughter and am the
full-time parent.
The mom was an ex-girlfriend. We
were dating for a total of 1 year and 4 months, which included the
pregnancy period. We were going out on our 3rd or 4th month when we
found out that she was pregnant.
I had already tried breaking up
with her a few weeks before finding out she was pregnant. We really
weren’t getting along. But she would always say that we were just
going through a tough time, so we’d try again. I guess it was
during this period that we got carried away.
When she told me that she was
pregnant, I didn’t even think about marriage. It was simply out of
the question. She was not someone that I could see myself with. She
threatened me by saying that if I wasn’t going to marry her, she
wouldn’t push through with the pregnancy. We did consider
abortion. We obviously never got around to it.
We compromised and tried living
together. But that didn’t last long. It was hard enough to stay
together when we were dating, but it was nothing compared to staying
under one roof. I was so fed up with my ex-girlfriend, that I told
her to get out of my house.
I gave her the option to take my
then 3-month-old daughter with her or leave her with me. I just
wanted her out of my house and out of my life. So she packed her
bags and left, leaving my daughter with me.
I’d rather that my daughter
grows up with me than with my ex-girlfriend. I’m sure that she
loves my daughter, but parenthood just isn’t her style.
She would call to ask if my
daughter could stay with her for the week-end, which is fine with
me. But then, she’d forget or cancel at the last minute. I don’t
think my daughter should be disappointed like that. She would be all
dressed and waiting for her mother who wouldn’t come. She may be
only 4-year-old, but I know that she gets hurt when that happens.
It’s really better that my daughter stays with me. My mom helps me
raise her and stands as the mother figure.
My dating options have, of course
narrowed, since I became a father. That is to be expected. Some
people say that a single dad is more marketable than a single mom.
But I don’t think so. Both come with the same “baggage:” the
responsibility, the instant family and the fact the kids will always
take priority over any prospective partner. There isn’t much
difference.
There are some people—both men
and women—who will say that they would never date someone who has
children. But you never hear anyone saying they want someone with
children.
But I am dating. I’m always
upfront about being a single dad and being the fulltime parent.
It’s but fair since it has a bearing on the relationship.
Sometimes I can’t go out and have to stay at home to take care of
my daughter.
I know it may sound weird, but I
don’t want a girlfriend to get too close. She has to know her
place. I don’t think you can ever replace a biological parent. No
matter what my ex is like, she’ll always be my daughter’s mom.
Any girlfriend will have to understand that. I know that it’s a
lot to ask of any girl, but I hope that if she’s the right one,
she will understand. My daughter will always come first before
anything or anyone else.”
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