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I REMEMBER when my daughter Alexandra, 23, was in high school. Her
marks were much higher that year than the year before. I asked her
why she had done better. “Because you forced me,” was her
answer. She had gotten honors the year before and had improved. I
knew she could do better so I told her that I expected more. I did
not nag her, but she took the challenge to heart.
Did I really force her? I don’t think so. I
like to think however that I did motivate her. Our children seek our
recognition and approval when they are very young. They pretty much
do everything possible to get affirmed by us when they are in
kindergarten and elementary.
As they grow older and begin to live their own
lives, we parents sometimes think that perhaps our appreciation of
them isn’t as important anymore. They have their friends, their
special interests and they seem to need us less. They distance
themselves from us and there are even times when we might even ask
ourselves if our affirmations matter very much anymore.
Though we continue to affirm them, what their
peers feel and say about them seems to matter more. Perhaps it is
because they need to validate their worth for themselves. They
expect us to be proud of them and take some of our proud statements
as biased in their favor.
When I congratulated Alexandra she used to say,
“You’re telling me that because you’re my dad.” There was
some truth to what she said. We parents should be the lead
cheerleaders for our children. And when we are generous with our
praise, we need to plead guilty to the charge that we are biased.
Still, there is more than a lot of truth to our affirmations. We
know our children and when we build their self-esteem (the
foundation for happiness and success) we are preparing them for the
future. We might, sometimes, be excessive in our praise, but, then
again, that isn’t unexpected of parents.
Though they might not be quick to admit it, when
our children grow up, they continue to value our affirmation of
them. This is especially true when they themselves have been able to
validate our praise from dealing with their peers.
Parents tend to affirm their teenage children
less because they feel they don’t need it as much as they did when
they were kids. And when they are adults, we affirm them even less
for the same reason.
The truth is, however, that, as adults, they
value our affirmations even more. When I now congratulate Alexandra
for some kind of achievement, she simply says, “Thanks, Dad, I
appreciate it.”
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If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or e-mail me
at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
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