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While watching the news about the polygamist compound in Texas, I
was disgusted, not by the abusive husbands, but by the homely,
big-haired, plain looking sisters of uglyhood. Even “Queer Eye”
couldn’t save these women’s unfashionable souls. The judge
should’ve ordered a makeover right away.
Moral issues aside, those women should consider
themselves lucky that any guy would even marry them and father their
babies. Of course I say this with tongue-in-cheek (like I had to
point that out), polygamy is actually not that bad if you analyze
it. With the permission of my fiancée, I will play the devil’s
advocate and enumerate the many benefits of legalizing polygamous
marriages.
Decrease in pollution
Polygamy’s consolidation of households
promotes less energy usage, which saves precious pesos and lessens
carbon emissions. These savings can then be used for research on
alternative energy sources, which will eventually create more jobs.
No woman left behind
It is a known fact that females outnumber males
in the world. This is due to several factors such as the longer life
span of women and the stupid activities of men like wars, extreme
sports that require helmets, and senseless stunts that crack their
skulls. So it is no surprise that a lot of women are left without
partners which makes them susceptible to depression and lesbianism,
a dysfunctional yet erotic gender preference. With polygamy, no
woman will ever have to sleep alone in the cold ever again.
Increase in GDP growth
A lot of career women nowadays are moving up the
corporate ladder, which means higher incomes. Polygamy consolidates
their salaries increasing their bargaining power. They can take
advantage of wholesale prices and share expenses on girlie things
like bags, shoes, sanitary pads, moisturizers, etc. Furthermore,
each wife can specialize in a certain area: one could be an expert
on culinary activities, another on janitorial services, and another
on entertainment. This frees up everyone’s time allowing each to
focus on more important things that can increase productivity and
foster innovation. Think of it as micro-globalization.
Additionally, men in polygamous relationships
are more productive than men in monogamous relationships according
to the study made by the United Moro Adobo Coalition (UMAC), a
fictitious group in Greenhills. This makes sense since having a
different partner every night has been known to increase libido,
which has been linked directly to ambition and higher placement in
the corporate hierarchy. Besides, you would work harder if you had
to support many wives. However, UMAC has identified that 5 is the
optimal number of spouses. Anything more would just diminish ROI.
Polygamy has many more merits that can only be
covered in a book. Bottom line is, it is secretly happening anyway
in Philippine society (just ask your driver). So legalizing it would
extend conjugal property rights to all women. The result would be
empowered women and no more bastards.
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