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Part five of seven
When a couple is deeply in love, they
characteristically look to each other for support in any crisis.
When love begins to wane, this interdependence becomes less and
less. Instead, the couple will look outside of the relationship for
the support they used to get from each other.
They will increasingly go to friends and family
for help and consolation when any crisis befalls them. This turning
from each other for support causes cracks in the relationship that
threaten to become real gaps. When lovers are at the high point of
their love, the interdependence is also at its greatest. When love
falls, interdependence tends to drop as well. This is natural
because just as love promotes closeness, conflict drives people
apart. As the trust level of intense loving cools, the reliance on
each other becomes less and less. Definitely a red flag is raised.
If there is one sign of a deteriorating
relationship, it is the loss of respect for one another. It begins
with small signs of disrespect and escalates into more serious
happenings. When two people fall in love, they are careful not to
disrespect each other because they know that disrespect is death to
a budding love. They instinctively know this and, as a consequence,
they go out of their way to show great respect. When love begins to
wane, however, it becomes more and more difficult to maintain a high
level of respect. Perhaps it is because one’s true colors become
visible and negative feelings tend to be more difficult to manage.
When I hear a man speak to his wife in a
disrespectful manner, it is a true sign of a love that is under
stress. Love always shows respect, and great love is extraordinarily
respectful.
Look at lovers who have a solid relationship and
you will inevitably find a large measure of mutual respect. A couple
whose love is dying is at the very opposite extreme. They seem to
have lost even the most basic respect for each other. They find it
difficult to hold to the simplest forms of politeness. They don’t
like each other and it shows in the way they treat each other.
In my more than forty years of counseling
couples, I can tell if they have a chance at happiness by the level
of mutual respect they have for each other. The greater the respect,
the better the chances. And, sadly, those who show little or no
respect rarely make it. Perhaps it is because we cannot love someone
we do not respect. Neither can we accept “love” from someone who
disrespects us because we know that disrespect is at the opposite
end of the love spectrum.
To be continued
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If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and
behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or 8251771 or e-mail me
at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati
City.
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