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One of my favorite songs is “The Sound of
Silence.” There is this line which strikes me as being so very
significant: “People talking without speaking, people hearing
without listening.”
I am reminded of the many people
whose courtship and marriages are spinning out of control and of
friends who are slowly but surely moving away from each other. In
just about every case, they no longer really communicate with each
other.
Oh, yes, they talk about all
kinds of things. But usually they are things that do not really
matter very much. They talk about trivialities and matters that are
external to their relationship.
How many couples spend hours
talking about nothings? How often have I seen people trying, to no
avail, to get past the “weather stage” of conversations. And we
all know of unhappy couples who have not had an intimate and
meaningful talk in a long time, perhaps even years.
We all, of course, engage in
small talk. Even the most solid relationship has time for trivial
matters. That is not the issue. I refer to those couples who have
big problems and somehow cannot or will not get into effective
communication.
And, horror of horrors, there are
couples that no longer talk at all, not even about the weather. The
level of tension in some homes is so great that couples do not even
greet each other anymore. They are no longer even friends, yet they
are living under the same roof.
Think of what kind of hell that
must be like. And imagine how kids must feel growing up in a house
like that where the air is so tense that the tiniest spark could set
off a tremendous explosion.
You know what it is like to be
present when two people who do not like each other are forced
together. Think of the thoughts that must be racing through the
minds of the kids when they witness a scene at dinner table where
the parents hardly ever talk to each other in a polite way, never
mind a caring way. You cannot help but feel terrible about the whole
situation and surely every thinking person would wonder why they
don’t just say goodbye rather than prolong such an agonizing
existence for years.
Whenever you run into such a
terrible situation, you know that somebody or both parties have
given up the ship and admitted that things are just about
impossible. And, what’s worse, somebody or both have cut the lines
of communication that are essential if the already bad situation is
to be rectified and properly corrected in time to avoid a complete
disaster.
The truth is that in such
instances one, perhaps both, just doesn’t care anymore to even
try. There is a kind of indifference, a feeling of hopelessness that
has settled over the relationship. This, in turn, has given rise to
indifference. And where there is indifference, there is no more will
to make an effort to correct the situation. And without this
willingness, the relationship stagnates and sinks deeper into
despair with the passing of each day.
What to do about such a
situation? Without a doubt, the most important task is to reopen the
lines of communication leading to the hearts of the troubled couple.
Then, and only then, is there a
strong foundation upon which both partners may start rebuilding
mutual love. Failing this, the relationship is doomed to fail.
If you have problems about
drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 8206107 or
8251771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box
2099 MCPO, Makati City.
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