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The past several months have been so stressful people needed to find
something, anything, funny about recent economic events.
The Internet has become a rich source of
humor—including the gallows type, providing comic relief amid the
disastrous reversal of fortune entire nations are suffering as a
result of the Wall Street meltdown.
Below are some examples of the online jesting
over the global financial crisis that have somehow reached my email
inbox.
To the anonymous authors go the appreciation of
the victims of recession/depression for helping them keep, if not
their money, then at least their sanity.
Enjoy.
Monkey see
If anyone has difficulty understanding the
current world financial situation, the following should help . . .
Once upon a time in the hin–terlands of
Palawan, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for P10 each. The villagers, seeing there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands of monkeys at P10 each,
but as the supply started to diminish the villagers stopped their
efforts.
The man further announced that he would now buy
at P20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even
further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to P25 per monkey and
the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even
see a monkey, let alone catch one!
The man announced that he would buy monkeys at
P50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told
the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the
man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when he
returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50
each.”
The villagers squeezed together their savings
and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his
assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to Wall Street.
Updated definitions
The following terms have been updated to fit the
times.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
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Bull market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
Bear market: A six- to 18-month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry—and the husband gets no sex.
P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
Broker: What my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell.
Stock analyst: The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
Market correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Cash flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
Institutional investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a
nuthouse.
Momentum investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
Call option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient
times before e-mail.
Yahoo: What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
Windows: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought
Yahoo for $240 per share.
Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan.
AIG: All Is Gone.
Meltdown mergers
Here is a list of upcoming mergers as a result
of economic meltdown.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
Fuller Brush and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become PolyWarnerCracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will
merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become Knott NOW!
And finally . . .
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the
new name TittyTittyBangBang.
dansoy26@yahoo.com
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