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THE
SINGLE FILES
By Ana Santos
Women: the why chromosome
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At the risk of being accused of treason and betrayal to the highest
level, I reveal womanity’s most guarded secrets—insights on the
Y chromosome, its motivations and inner workings.
These are words of wisdom, passed on from
generation to generation, from girlfriend to girlfriend, mother to
daughter, sister to sister. An arsenal of secret weapons meant to
tease, to attract or just plain drive men crazy, and fall at our
feet following our every whim.
1. We have different sets of underwear for
different occasions.
A sexy lacey thong is hot to look at… but
that’s just about it. It is meant to be immediately taken off
because to have to wear something like that all day everyday is
itchy, uncomfortable and just plain torture.
So to limit such torture, we have divided our
undergarments by dress code—our nooky panties for your visual
pleasure when we know that we’re gonna get some and our nice comfy
cotton undies for everyday use.
2. We wear our ratty underwear on purpose to
delay sex.
Related to number one, when on a hot date with a
guy we really like, we hold off on sex to get to know him better. We
know that if we up the ante too fast, it will probably fizzle out
just as fast. Easy come, easy go, right? But with the sexual tension
rising, delaying gratification is harder for us than you think. And
there’s no deterrent as powerful as the prospect of having first
time sex with a guy we really like in a tattered lola panty with
mismatched bra. We wouldn’t want to see ourselves naked either.
3. We dream of becoming goddesses—the domestic
and sex type.
A woman always wants to be thought of as a
goddess by her man—a sex goddess whose bedroom prowess can make
your toes curl and a domestic goddess whose sole reason for being is
to see her kids off to school, go to the gym, go shopping, meet up
with some girlfriends for afternoon tea and go shopping...oh, and
maybe, travel in between.
4. We diss in more detail.
When chatting with our girlfriends, the men in
our lives who are just passing fancies are the subject of very
graphic and detailed dissing. We will share everything from your bad
taste in shoes, your staying power or lack thereof, how big you are,
how hard you can or cannot get, or if you have too much skin where
you shouldn’t. No detail is too small to be left unturned.
Blow-by-blow accounts are the stuff our juicy coffee conversations
are made of.
This is a little something you may want to keep
in mind the next time you tell the boys about the latest addition to
your body count.
5. We know when you’re cheating.
It’s women’s intuition, the genetically
built in alarm system which tells us when we should be on red alert.
Abrupt changes almost always trip the alarm— sudden weight loss,
sudden interest in appearance, wardrobe and change in schedule. Our
spider sense starts to tingle, and when that sensor goes off, we
will resort to a number of things to validate our hunch. We look
through your phone, we show up at your office in the middle of the
day to mark our territory and smoke out the competition. We’ll
bait you in conversation using information we’ve picked up from
our investigations. Most men are usually not good liars when caught
off guard.
6. We dress for other women, not for men.
Those extra 30 minutes when we say will only
take 5 to get ready? They’re not really to look extra put together
for you. We know that you’ll be checking that we don’t show too
much skin, that in general, we look pretty enough. When it comes to
appearance, you guys are easy to please—you like us best with our
clothes off. It’s really the other women who are more critical.
They note every new pound or new wrinkle that has set in. They’ll
notice if we’re wearing the wrong kind of shoes and laugh
sinisterly inside when we don’t. The extra 30 minutes is a small
price to pay compared to the social suicide of being on the Most
Wanted List of the Fashion Police.
7. We check out other women and it does matter
who is thinner, fatter or prettier or more successful.
Women by nature are catty and competitive. It
may be due in part to the peacock behavior. It is the female peacock
who has the more colorful feathers, she is the one who prances
around with her feathers spread out in all their glory. Mother
Nature made it such so that she could attract the male peacocks.
It’s part of a female’s second nature to fan out her feathers
and strut around displaying them. That way, we know who of the other
peacocks have the prettier feathers.
[This is incorrect. A “peacock,” as the name
implies, is a male “peafowl.” The female of species are called
“peahen.” And it is only the males of the species that possess
the colorful plumage. But we get what you’re trying to say. –
Ed]
8. We all want to date a Bad Boy to beef up our
scorecard, but would never take him home to meet our mothers.
We all, at some point or another, (secretly)
want to date a Bad Boy. For some of us, it may by “The Messiah
Syndrome”—the crusade where we will try to convert a Bad Boy.
But for the most part, a lot of us can appreciate and enjoy a Bad
Boy for what he is—a guy who will relish bringing out our hidden
rebellious streak. It’s like living out a fantasy—totally hot,
but nothing we would ever want our mothers to know about.
9. We don’t all need to be rescued.
We come in all ages, shapes and sizes. Just
because we’re young and doe–eyed doesn’t mean we need a big
daddy figure to guide us through life. Or because we’re older and
more sophisticated, we’re desperate and will jump at any man who
comes along. Or if we have a child with no father in sight, we need
someone to make an honest woman out of us. There’s a lot more to
us than our age and status, and we know when you’re making an
effort to get to know the difference.
10. We pluck, shave and wax for one reason;
we’re expecting some action.
The time, effort and not to mention pain that we
go through in getting ourselves primped up for a hot date is because
we expect to get a little somethin’ somethin’. So you can bet
that if after all that, you’re just gonna give us peck on the
cheek at the end of the date, we’re going to be pretty pissed.
11. We get cranky when we don’t get enough
sex.
We may need less of it compared to men, but we
need it nonetheless. And when we’re not getting enough, we’ll
start getting bitchy, and a bit high-strung. We need to unwind, too,
you know.
12. We fake… a lot.
It may be because we like you and don’t want
to hurt your feelings, or because we want you stop pummeling us
already, but accept it, dude, it just makes things simpler most of
the time.
13. We don’t lie, we just MANipulate
We don’t really lie. We just omit parts of the
truth—the parts that you don’t need to know about, play up what
you want to hear. Our version of the truth It still is the
truth—just our own self-serving version of it.
14. Yes, we do need that many shoes and bags.
Shoes are penis substitutes—that’s why we
need the same color in varying styles and every so often, need to
buy a new one. Finding a pair of shoes we like is like a sexually
charged flirtation that needs to be consummated with the purchase of
these shoes so we can take them home and enjoy them. And the bags?
We need just as many to match the shoes.
15. We wish you could get some fashion sense
from our gay friends.
It’s not that we want you sporting the tight
t-shirts and low cut jeans especially if you don’t have the body
for it. We don’t want you looking gay and be one of those girls
who doesn’t know that her boyfriend is gay. But we do wish you
could at least take a hint from a gay man’s choice of shoes.
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