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By Dulce M. Arguelles and Darwin G. Amojelar, Reporters
Anthony blinks back tears as he remembers his
abusive father. The hair stylist’s French-tipped fingernails beat
a nervous rhythm on the beauty parlor countertop.
“When I was in grade school, I was bullied.
I’ve always been effeminate, so I was an easy target. Most of my
friends were girls and I wasn’t interested in ‘boy’ stuff. My
father always told me not to become gay. He warned he would curse me
and kick me out of our house,” he recalls.
Because Anthony would not — could not —
change his effeminate ways, his father strangled him, and hang him
upside down. When Anthony turned 15, his father beat him up and
ripped off his clothes to “shame” him into becoming a man. He
ran away and worked in a fast food chain to survive.
“I really hate my father; I really, really
hate him. I don’t want to be like him,” says the embittered gay.
Though Anthony knows he will never be totally
female, he knows that he is prettier than the average girl. He
takes pains to make his skin as “flawless” as possible. He is
proud of his tasteful make-up and sniffs at gays “who look like
they fell into a vat of foundation make-up.”
It has been a lonely life. Even now, as an
“outed” gay, Anthony has to stifle his feelings. The 24-year-old
beautician has a crush on a male friend but is scared of the
potential repercussions.
“I can’t tell him what’s inside me.
I am so affected when he talks to somebody else. I really hate
myself because of these feelings. Sometimes I just want to be blind
so that I can’t see him, deaf so that I can’t hear what he will
say. I don’t want him to go — that’s why it’s better to hide
what I feel. It’s not easy to be gay because you can’t love and
be loved back. I can’t tell him that I love him, because I am
afraid of what he will say,” Anthony laments.
He has distanced himself from his mother, who
once told him that he can “recover” from being gay, with a
little help from family and friends.
Not a disorder
Being gay, though, is not a disorder from which
a person can “recover.” According to American Psychiatric
Association (APA), “homosexuality is not a mental disorder.”
Since 1973, homosexuality has not been an entry in the APA’s
official diagnostic manual.
“The action was taken following a review of
the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the
field. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the
criteria to be considered a mental illness,” the APA states.
Parents or relatives who use coercion to change
a person’s sexual orientation can actually do harm.
Anthony’s father’s attempts to beat or shame him into changing
his sexual orientation are a form of “reparative therapy” —
without the help of a psychologist.
Threats don’t work
There is no published scientific evidence
supporting the efficacy of “reparative therapy” to change a
person’s sexual orientation and the risks are great, the APA
warns.
“Depression, anxiety, and self-destructive
behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against
homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the
patient. Many patients who have undergone reparative therapy
relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely,
unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction.
The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and
satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian is
not presented,” the APA notes.
It is better for a person and those who love him
of him to accept the reality of a sexual orientation outside “the
norm.”
“Clinical experience indicates that those who
have integrated their sexual orientation into a positive sense of
self, function at a healthier psychological level than those who
not,” the APA says.
Born or bred?
There is no simple answer to the question,
“Are some people born lesbian or gay?”
The APA admits that, “no one knows what causes
heterosexuality, homosexuality, or bisexuality.”
Homosexuality was once thought as the result of
a troubled family or faulty psychological development, but these
assumptions are “now understood to have been based on
misinformation and prejudice.”
While there have been many researches into the
biological cause of homosexuality — ranging from the size of the
hypothalamus to the difference in the lengths of a person’s index
and ring fingers — “to date there are no replicated scientific
studies supporting any specific biological etiology for
homosexuality.”
“Similarly, no specific psychosocial or family
dynamic cause for homosexuality has been identified, including
histories of childhood sexual abuse. Sexual abuse does not
appear to be more prevalent in children who grow up to identify as
gay, lesbian or bisexual, than in children who identify as
heterosexual,” the APA adds.
What researchers have established is, that
lesbian and gay young people are not “failed” heterosexuals and
that homosexual partners are generally of the same age, proving
wrong the assumptions that young people are “turned gay” by
older people.
But experts also acknowledge, that “people’s
behavior is influenced by their family environment, their
experiences and their sense of themselves. Beliefs about sex are
initially shaped by family values. Later on these beliefs may be
shaped by pleasant and unpleasant experiences of sex and also shape
their choice of activities and partners. Throughout their life a
person’s sense of who and what they are has a strong impact on
their sexual development and experience.”
Needful lives
Parents of gays, lesbians or bisexuals also
suffer the stigma of society.
Delia, mother of a 34-year-old gay visual
artist, says it was hard not to try and ask her son to change.
“I can’t bear it when my child is hurt by
all these men he dates. He doesn’t tell me, but I notice
that while he wears cheap clothing, the men he goes out with have
expensive watches and sunglasses. I know they can’t afford
it.”
Her neighbors also gossip and pester her about
her son and his activities. “I don’t listen anymore. They
can talk. It hurts, but it’s his life and I can’t
interfere in his decisions.”
Most parents are concerned for the welfare of
their children, recognizing the difficulties posed by being a member
of a stigmatized group. Often, parents also fear rejection by
their own family, friends, religious or social groups, the APA
notes.
Relationships — not just for gays or lesbians
— fall into two categories: one based on need and one based on
companionship.
Gay men who financially support their dyowas are
often in a relationship based on need.
“Relationships based on need last as long as
one party can support the need of the other,” notes Romeo Lee, a
behavioral science professor from De La Salle University. So
long as a gay man has the money to support his dyowa, the
relationship will last.
The dating game
Raffy, 38, is a beautician. He supported
his boyfriend for 10 years; the relationship started when his
partner was but 14 years old. The boyfriend left after graduating
from college at 24.
“I am gay and I know no straight man will want
to stay with me unless he gets something out of it. I’ll
have to accept that. It just hurts when I think of it and
remember that he’s gone for good,” Raffy said.
But not all gay relationships are based on need.
Some flow from companionship, and these often last years.
“We shouldn’t forget emotional
compatibility,” Lee points out. “Gay men who are already
financially stable and are looking for a companion will have a good
chance of a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship.”
Carlo is a businessman and Ray a stockbroker.
They have been together for seven years.
They have bought a house under a partnership.
They plan to grow old together.
“We’re lucky. I hope we last. We
can only take it from day to day. Each day I look at him and
wonder what I did to be so blessed,” Ray says.
Lesbians, on the other hand, “tend to be
companionship-oriented” when it comes to looking for
relationships.
Married with children
Some people believe that if they get married
their gay feelings will disappear. It is unusual for this to happen,
according to experts. Most store up a great deal of stress and
anxiety in their later years. Coming out as a gay parent has
particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or
even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous
courage and strength. The conflict between relationships with their
spouse and family and their need to be themselves can be enormous.
Michael, 35, works in a bank. He was
married for almost 10 years and has one child. He is gay.
“My parents pushed me to marry. I thought that
if I got married, my sexual orientation would change. I was wrong.
My wife is full of regret. She didn’t know that once in a
while I would go out and date another guy. I feel happy when I do
not have to pretend. But the problem is, that when we date,
and I am extra sweet, people stare and murmur. Recently I
decided to tell the truth. My wife was shocked and asked me, ‘How
can you do this to me?’ She decided to leave me and bring
our child with her,” Michael said.
Karen, 29, who works in an advertising agency,
decided to get herself pregnant because she and her partner, Baby,
wanted a child.
Karen and Baby need not worry that their child
will turn out gay. According to the APA, “the children of
gay parents are as likely to be healthy and well-adjusted as
children raised in heterosexual households.” Children raised
in gay or lesbian households do not show any greater incidence of
homosexuality or gender identity issues than other children.
“Children raised in nontraditional homes with
gay or lesbian parents can encounter some special challenges related
to the ongoing stigma against homosexuality, but most children
surmount these problems,” the APA adds.
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