A glitch in the layout of my last column (Tales of an ‘incurable critic’) led some to believe that it was straight news. Thankfully, a number of readers discerned it to be a lampoon, which it was. Anyway, here are more tales from this “incurable” (or is it “hopeless”?) critic.
PNoy fans in short-lived euphoria
The rabid fans of President BS Aquino The Last were euphoric after wire services reported that “Malala” had won the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Wala nang ibang lider na mas malala pa kay President BS Aquino The Last,” they shouted in exaltation.
“Malala” means “worse” in Pilipino and many Filipinos believe that this adjective is an apt description of the President. They also claimed that he deserved the Nobel Peace Prize for forging a peace pact with a Muslim rebel group that included the creation of a thinly veiled Muslim substate.
Convinced that their beloved leader had won the coveted award, they asked that all bottles of champagne be uncorked. Some broached the plan to stage street-dancing nationwide in celebration of this great honor bestowed for the very first time to a Filipino.
The late President Cory was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after EDSA 1 but the award went instead to a social rights activist, Bishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa.
The euphoria of PNoy’s fans, however, was short-lived when they learned that the real “malala” was not the President but a Pakistani teenager, Malala Yousafzai, who defied the Taliban by pushing for the right of Muslim girls to education.
Many PNoy diehards plan to stage a demonstration to show their disgust that the Nobel Peace Prize search committee first described the President, and then named another as winner.
Prayers protect PNoy
Tragedy nearly befell the party of President BS Aquino The Last last Oct. 10 on the flight back to Manila from Indonesia after a two-day state visit had it not been for his fervent prayers, according to a member of the party.
“Had his prayers not been answered, we would all be dead meat by now,” the source who requested anonymity said.
The President was reportedly gloating about his treatment of former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and former Chief Justice Renato Corona and his plan to give hell to all his enemies when an engine of the plane sputtered and died. Other engines inexplicably followed suit. As the plane nose-dived, the president started invoking the names of all the saints he could remember.
Then, an inner voice told the president to make amends of all the transgressions he had committed if he wanted his life to be spared. So the president, praying out loud, said he would fire Gen. Alan Purisima, Budget Secretary Butch Abad, Transportation Secretary Joseph Emilio Abaya, Agriculture Secretary Proceso Alcala and Social Welfare Secretary Dinky Soliman to show that he would mend his ways.
The source said the propeller of one engine started to rotate but the plane continued to plummet.
“Lord, save my life and I promise I will make amends with Joker Arroyo whom I had unjustly treated like a pariah and with all my political enemies. I also promise to end pork barrel and the move to amend the Constitution. I will no longer seek a second term,” he said.
The plane seemed to level up but it was perilously close to the terrain. Everybody was shouting in panic but despite the din, the president could hear his inner voice telling him that a greater sacrifice is required of him.
“Dear God, I realize now that you’re trying to punish me and my administration. Lord, please spare the life of this sinner and those with me and I promise that I won’t finish my term as demanded by the National Transformation Council who is closer to you than I,” he prayed out loud.
Miraculously, all engines of the plane went alive again and the plane immediately gained altitude.
“Almost everybody shouted in relief. Their clapping was even louder than that given the president in his SONAs. The president’s sister, Kris Aquino, however, fainted when she learned that he would be resigning,” he said.
He stressed that this incident should end all talks that the president isn’t close to the Supreme Being.
“If he was not sincere in his prayers, God wouldn’t have listened,” he said.
He pointed out that the president is really a very prayerful person, contrary to the claim of his “incurable and hopeless critics.”
“If you noticed, he even made the Sign of the Cross at the wreath-laying ceremony at the Rizal Monument in Madrid, Spain, on Sept. 14,” he said.